This Depression is Great

4 minute read

They told me look at everything positive, so I’m gonna do it: “This Depression is Great!”

I believe many of the solutions advised by psychologist out there is kind of “fooling oneself” fooling and fooling, so many stupid things in a row to do best phantasy to make hell look beautiful for the person and make him believe everything is cool and be happy while he is in hell!, that’s the reason I never wanted meet one of them, they don’t know anything about your life and then they want to decide about your life and saying what’s right and what not.

Some people live in the world they are not invited to, they live and get old and die in the end, no! They don’t live, they stay alive for while, maybe 60-70 years, they are alive and they are not living, act of living is a mix of good and bad things together, not a dark world full of pain, spending a life in such world is not living, its staying alive.

What’s up with us? What are we doing? Where we are going? What we have done?

Really how many times you have think about point of your living? Why you are born, what you are supposed to do and what you have done and what you will do?, Have you had fair answer for that? Then lucky you!

After lots of thinking about that I got no positive answer about that, I was born, reached a special age and now what? Looking at my life logically will make you believe I’m in the group of those who are just alive and not living and don’t have a bright future.

I know if you have read my older posts and now reading this one you will say “AH! again Omid is saying these…..”. Yup, that’s what I hate, to be such a boring person or if not boring, being a pain for friends to take care of. I tried to finish it, worked on myself to end it up, but I weak, very weak, I could not, I could not end it up, even that I’m tired of myself I could not, I never could do any of the stuff I want to do, I could not end up my pain, I could not earn what I want, I could get one who I want, I could not show who I am, I could not do what I want. So how I can have a better view of my life?

I don’t want to lie anymore to anyone, so when I’m so down and people ask me “How are you?” I won’t answer I’m fine, but damn! I’m not going tell everyone in everything greeting Hey I’m dying inside!, so I just shut my mouth, how long? I don’t know! as long that I’m this way and as long I waste the oxygen on earth!

I’ve never been lucky in my life, yeah really, or maybe not and it was my weakness, I never could express what’s in my mind, what’s in my heart, who I am and what I want to say, I’ve never been free, Always I lost the battle against those who were less than me.

People who I loved always thought of me as a cold hearted and ignoring person when even seeing them happy or being with them in crowd make me happy, tech guys always thought of as an amateur when I bet I knew more than them just I had not equipment to show them who I am, Family always thought of as a stupid person but it was that my world is bigger than theirs and their closed mind cannot understand it and I believe I’m not wrong because I’ve seen real humans that believe me.

I’m tired of “proving” myself, How much fight, how much killing time, I want to live, I don’t want to just being alive, I want to live or die. I don’t have much hope in my future so second option look better, just need find a way for that…